kelligirlk

10:45 pm: So my stepfather passed away 2 weeks ago, and this week was finals. I had a hard time concentrating on them, but I managed to make it through. Got a 96 out of 110 on my history final, but managed to get an A in the class!!!! Now playing the waiting game on the final results on my other class. Officially done with the semester!!! Wish I could say the same on dealing with the paperwork for my mother. I implore all of you- make a will, even if it is just a piece of paper with your wishes and someone to execute them, with 2 witnesses to sign it!!!!! Place it somewhere where others know where it is!!! I cannot tell you how difficult it is to try to accomplish anything with no will. No one will talk to me (as his chosen executor) or my mother (as his spouse) because he never put down on paper what he wanted! Now we have to wade through the backed up court system to try to get them to "officially" name me as his executor. It is causing more stress on my mother than she already has because of his passing. Please, if you love the people who will be left behind, do not cause them this trouble. They will already be hurting enough from the loss.

10:22 am: Got in an argument with my kid's dad about how long to stay in Truth or Consequences for Easter. At one point in the fight he tells me "You are pagan, why do you even care about Easter?" I almost died laughing! I wish more people paid attention to the origins of their holidays and traditions. So many blindly follow tradition with no idea of why they do the things they do.

01:29 am: Lately I have been feeling a bit lost. Its been progressing for a while now, and the most significant thing that I have felt is lack of connection to my faith. Between kids, and school, and job, and lack of job I have not had the time I would like to devote to reconnecting. Recently I have had a very very good friend get back in touch with me and have had a visit in a dream from a departed friend. These have helped me to realize that though I may feel distant from my faith, it is still there for me when I have need. Still intend to spend time when I get it to soul search and get reacquainted with my faith. Thanks gypsydove for always being there when I need you, even when I don't know to tell you I need you! Love you honey.

10:04 pm: Dammit when it rains it pours! My Grandfather passed away last week, and this morning my Grandmother passed away as well. Thursday is going to be very hard as the funeral is on Friday.

11:57 pm: I would like to share with you all a poem that my Grandfather wrote while fighting in Korea. I know its late for veteran's day but I think this is beautiful and I thought you all would enjoy it.

Little Korea

In the hills of North Korea,
front line is the spot.
Where we are doomed to serve our time
in the land that God forgot.

Out with the snakes and lizards
and down where a guy gets blue.
Out in the middle of nowhere
and ten thousand miles from you.

We sweat, freeze, and shiver
more than any man can stand.
We are not supposed to be convicts,
just defenders of our land.

We are soldiers of the Infantry
just earning monthly pay.
Guarding people with millions
for two fifty a day.

We are building up our memories
and waiting to see our gals.
Hoping while we are gone
they haven't married our pals.

No one knows we're living
or no one cares a damn.
Just plain Infantry soldiers
working for Uncle Sam.

The time we spent in the Army
is time of life we missed.
Boy's don't let this Draft get you
and for Pete's sake, don't enlist!

CPL Bennie O. Gray
RA 38212981
Korea, December 1952
1920-2008

01:18 am: Well, took my mom to the hospital and they said she did take more pills than she should but not a dangerous amount. The problem is that she apparantly has congestive heart failure and is having brain trouble due to lowered oxygen levels in her body. She has been in the hospital now for two days and still doesn't know what day it is, doesn't remember what happened throughout the day, things like that. I am hoping that when they get her heart pumping right that this will reverse, but if it is permanent then my life will be in a whole new ball game. With her brain not working well she can never be alone again, what if she starts cooking and forgets and burns something. What if she takes her meds and forgets and takes them again. Apparantly it is time to start thinking of how I can manage taking care of my kids and my mother at the same time. Also I have my Grandfather's viewing on Wednesday and I am not sure if I can handle that. To see him there and not have him be what he was the last time I talked with him is just gonna break my heart. To add to this my daughter had another seizure today! Not sure if I can handle much more stress.

11:42 pm: Today is officially the worst day I have had in a few years. This morning my Grandfather passed away, then a few hours later I find out my mother has apparantly taken a whole shitload of oxycontin. Turns out we don't really know when she took them, might have been all in one day, might have been over a few weeks. Regardless, she is not coherent and I think she may have some neurologic damage of some sort. She is acting just like my Grandmother did when she started having her mini strokes. I want to take her to the hospital but she keeps saying she does not want to go. My stepdad won't let me call an ambulance because they cant afford it. He says just let her sleep through the night and we will take her tomorrow no matter what she says. She has been sleeping since yesterday morning and I am terribly worried. I don't think I can handle it if I lost my Grandfather and my mother close together. I am spending the night so that I can help her if she falls yet again. My stepfather had a respitory attack earlier when he tried to help her up. I am so rediculously stressed out right now, I don't know what to think or how to feel. It is taking all my strength not to just sit around crying. Bad Fucking Day!!!! Sorry to bother all of you, just had to vent a little.

09:54 am: So, I am giving up the ghost and moving back home to El Paso. I will be with limited internet access for a while, so sorry if you don't hear from me often. Hopefully I will soon be filled with less stress and make a happier home life for my kids. Should I feel guilty that I am not really that sad about leaving? I will miss my stepdaughter though! Talk to you all later.

08:25 pm: Hehe, Here are my results

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Low
Avoidant: High
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

03:24 am: I found this website with old tv show theme songs, and I must have spent a good hour or two re-living my youth through tv. It was so cool that I wanted to share it with you guys. The website is www.televisiontunes.com My favorite is (for purple duck) THE TICK!!!

01:08 am: Coolest balloon animal ever!
We went out to eat the other day and there was a lady there making balloon animals. I think this is the coolest balloon animal ever! She even made coconuts in the tree! Too cool!

10:01 pm: Today my grandmother called me, and for the first time in almost 3 years, actually spoke with me!!! I learned from her caretaker that they were taking her off Hospice because she is doing so well that she no longer qualifies!!! I am happy, this is such good news!!!

03:34 pm: Yay for Depakote!! Kiera is back to her old self since taking the new meds, and I am soooo relieved! I am glad we finally found something that doesn't change her so much. In a few weeks we need to take a blood test so make sure that it isn't affecting her liver or blood count. I am remaining positive about this and hoping this will be the final med for her.

09:45 pm: There must be a better way!!
Kiera is doing allright but I hate how the medications change her personality. This stuff is not as bad as the phenobarbitol was but still she is different. She used to be a calm, happy go lucky kid that would happily entertain herself, and not let anything bother her. Now, she walks around with an angry scowl on her face, she hits, she bites, she throws temper tantrum fits, and she needs attention constantly. She is permanantly attached to my hip and freaks out when I don't hold her 24-7. She doesn't sleep anymore, she wakes up frequently- sometimes screaming herself awake. I hate this!!!!! Can't there be seizure medication that doesn't completely change your kids personality???? Did I mention that I hate this!

09:58 pm: Today in English we were told that we would have an 8 page paper due where we would have to research a true survival story. I am supposed to have 6 sources and that is where I am running into a wall, not too many survival stories are that well written about. I am thinking about writing about the Donner party, where a group of early American settlers were going west to California and got snowed into a mountain pass and had to resort to cannibalism. Let me know what you think of that idea if you feel like it, and any other hints or suggestions you might have. Thanks.

08:33 pm: Today we had lots and lots of wind. That means that there was alot of crap blowing around, thankfully I am the only on in the family whose allergies get aggrivated by that. Homework is piling up on me, I am starting to stress deadlines a bit, but I will get through it. Tomorrow will be better I hope.

07:30 pm: Today I got an anthropology assignment that I am kinda excited about. I need to do an observation of people at some sort of gathering. Some examples are religious ceremonies, parties, sports events, things like that. I am thinking of going to a superbowl party and observing there, my teacher sounded a little excited about that. I asked her if she gets flooded with students all doing their papers on the same thing because superbowl is always during the spring semester, and she said that actually I am the first to do that. Strange. I also am thinking of maybe asking the mother in law to cook some traditional foods and let me observe that, or maybe going with her to a Catholic church service. My teacher also suggested observing a tarot card reading, or a tea leaf reading. That sounds cool but I wouldn't know where to go for that, the friends that I have that do that I haven't seen in a while and I am not going to call them just for an assignment, they are important enough to deserve something more substantial than that. The only thing I don't like is that I only have 2 weeks to do it. I would like more time to do a better job.

09:40 pm: I finally figured out my stupid spanish web page problem. When I added spanish to my computer so that I could type the accents and stuff in my spanish homework, it somehow saved it as my default language. Easy to fix, I feel dumb for not noticing it sooner, lol!

02:36 pm: Today my one year old had a few more seizures. I was really hoping that she was done with that. It is such a scary thing to witness and I don't think I will ever get used to it. I feel so scared inside and emotionally worn out. I need to find grounding somehow. I just cant wait until she finally outgrows this.

01:55 pm: Today is grey,overcast, and windy and my mood reflects that. Isnt is interesting how our emotions can be so influenced by weather? I can't wait until it is warm and sunny outside again.